Impaled: The hole of the summer

On Saturday, when even Zurich's Niederdörfli district and the shores of Lake Zurich look like they've been hit by a nuclear attack and the most insane building sites spring up on the streets without a single construction worker to be seen, we find ourselves in the biggest and darkest hole in the world: the summer slump. Kilometers deep, dusty and completely dry - year after year.

The brains of some (unfortunate) journalists who are not allowed to leave the (unair-conditioned) editorial offices during this time of drought also seem to be parched, so that the (poor) subscribers who cannot go on vacation get the impression that a newspaper is also published in summer. But what bears this name in July and August is actually just a pile of useless, printed paper that is at best suitable for sitting on in the swimming pool when the grass lets the soil through too much. Which, of course, is also a function of a paper newspaper that should not be despised. You can't do that with the iPad. Or only once.

Yogurt is cheese

Year after year, it becomes more and more curious what the harassed news seekers consider worth reporting in order to fill the summer paper: For example, some media reported on a rescue operation by the Darmstadt police. They rescued a hedgehog from a yoghurt pot - with scissors and a scalpel, if you're interested. The article said: "Using a scalpel and scissors, the officers carefully cut open the bottom of the cup to make it easier for the animal to breathe. They then cut open the sides of the vessel." Say nothing: a real whodunit. "Because the hedgehog was outwardly unharmed," it continued, "it was released back into the wild after the operation. " Where it again sought out a yoghurt pot. Unfortunately, SDA forgot to ask the hedgehog for a statement after his release - which would have been the only exciting thing about this story. You know: "Man bites dog, that's a news story."

All sausage

Another quality newspaper reported that Thailand's monks are becoming fat and ill due to unhealthy offerings. The Thai Health Promotion Authority has therefore called on the Thai population to donate healthier food to the monks. Karma is now being saved in favor of the slim line. After all, the fatter and sweeter the offerings, the better off the deceased in the afterlife, for whom the monks are supposed to pray. At least that's what the Thais believe. It could simply be that the monks don't want to spend hours bobbing in a trance with muesli bars. And that Buddha will soon be in big trouble with a few angry souls. But of course the authorities aren't interested in that. And I certainly don't. My favorite news story this summer was the hunt by the Zug police for "a tanned giant sausage". No, it wasn't about Silvester Stallone's summer vacation on Lake Zurich, but actually about a plastic sausage that was stolen from a Hünenberg butcher's shop in an act of the vilest meanness. I was already looking forward to a weeping butcher and high ransom demands from the veggie faction when the plastic sausage was rediscovered in a nearby forest. Simply thrown away. What a disgraceful crime!

Branch with crack

Oh, and Flöru Ast was quoted as saying: "I do believe that I am faithful." Well then. Thank goodness the summer is finally over!