Eye-catching: Celebrities in advertising are a guaranteed eye-catcher. Advertising is expected last, rather the prelude to an exciting home story.

Celebrities in advertising are a guaranteed eye-catcher. After all, advertising is the last thing you expect, rather the prelude to an exciting home story. But if it's just an appearance in an ad campaign with, say, Matt Damon for the Skechers shoe brand and Jeremy Irons for Donna Karan, the subjects leave an empty aftertaste that is rarely coupled with the product. A movie celebrity is a brand that is valued for its appearance in the film. The role of the mute dress wearer seems like a failed supporting role. Fortunately, because modeling and acting are two totally different professions that require different talents. Hasn't that always been the case? Chandra KurtColumn

The Kuoni lie
from Jan Krohn
As a good advertiser, I discover new worlds in my free time. And since I wanted to feel safe far away from the Piedmontese wineries, the eternally fruity New York or the Tate Gallery, I chose as a vacation destination - well, what? - well, the Maldives. It didn't seem that stupid a thought, because I decided to hole up in a lottery boat. They weren't going to get me there, the cadre cadavers.
Hours later I dove down - into a supposedly ad-free underworld. I bubbled and floated and stalked happily towards the reef when a double-headed moray eel grinned at me from the first rock hole, resembling to the scales the nightmares that the washed-up GGK text fossil gave me at the beginning of my career, who had his back scrubbed by assistants willing to ascend after his midday swim in the lake. The next shock came in the form of an inflated Napoleon fish, which bazooka'd me head-on, freezing the blood in my 7 mm neoprene, and outed itself as Chief Overhead Super Worldwide Reefdirector by wiping the mask off my head with a marking blow of its huge tail. Mayday! I struggled for breath and composure. And watched out of the corner of my eye as the gray shark, smiling evenly past me, swam with blond, shoulder-length hair and the coat of arms of the University of St. Gallen on its dorsal fin. When the mean ADC-octopus stretched out its rolex-torching arms towards me and wanted to get at the rest of my nibbled integrity, I grabbed the harpoon and shot - at myself, because now it was clear to me: In this life there was no escape. I would have to evolve up several levels and be reincarnated. And that was not very likely. As a good advertiser.
[email protected]
Jan Krohn is a freelance copywriter and concept developer
Language Observer

From parting wink to central locking:
"The Very Best of Warmdushing"
Farewell wink
Decal Tattoo Artist
Airbag retrofitter
All those who know me and whom I have forgotten-greeters
Aluminum foil user
At-evening-before-check-in
Trailer hitch protection cap user
To-the-even-better-version-waiter
Freeway service station price-conscious shopper
Oven preheater
Balcony smoker
Bambi winery
On-landing clapper
Half-full night tanker
Package insert reader
Document collector
Big Brother on Video Recorder
Cheap phone calls
Bingutangekommenbescheidsager
Till-the-buckle-up-sign-
extinguished-are-sitters
Body Mass Index-
Post controller
CD Wiper
Diet Coke Drinker
Comics socks wearer
Home WC Closers
Steam iron water softener
Pressure plug fixed screwdriver
Duden Nachschlager
Shower gel preheater
Spare key holder
First reminder payer
Timetable viewer
Folded Plan Falconry
Dishesnochamgleichentagspüler
Flu Vaccinator
I'll-settle-you-now-go-Betoner
Indoor track jogger
Yogurt cup rinser
Candle wax popler
Clothes-on-the-Day Outrigger
Trunk vacuum cleaner
Complete system buyers
Bank statement verifier
Expletive avoider
Life Planner
Air in spare wheel tester
Radio listener, television
Mouse ball cleaner
With-outstretched-arm-across-crosswalk-walker
Power cord-not-on-a-cable-
Puller
City entrance sign brakeman
Password recorder
Test driver
Quota admonisher
Speed trap detector
Hubcap polisher
Scooter rider
Back seat buckle
Shadow parker
Desk Cleaner
Schwarzfahrtbeichter
Swimming pool pinball
Backup creator
Seat Pisser
Seat cushion-with-in-stadium-
Driver
SMS picture shipper
Software buyers
Sun visor rattle
Economy key user
Cheat Sheet Copier
Mirror hair dryer
Daily newspaper stealer
Keyboard Cleaner
Tetrapak butterfly
Frozen fries defroster
Dream Woman Seeker
Loyalty point collector
Expiration date reader
Hot shower
Advertising Wayzapper
What-are-you-thinking-about
Dentist syringe beggar
Central locking device
Beat Gloor, www.textcontrol.ch